Chapter 7: The value of humility (paragraph 8)

The second step of humility is not to love having our own way nor to delight in our own desires. (From para. 8 of Ch. 7 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry OSB, 1997.)

Delight in my own desires, as wonderful as it sounds, is but an aspect of my heart closed in on itself. When life breaks open a heart, as it does, it breaks it open to love the whole world.

Chapter 7: The value of humility (paragraphs 6-7)

And so, if the eyes of the Lord are watching the good and the wicked, and if at all times the Lord looks down from heaven on the sons and daughters of men to see if any show understanding in seeking God, and if the angels assigned to care for us report our deeds to the Lord day and night, we must be on our guard every hour or else, as the psalmist says, the time may come when God will observe us falling into evil and so made worthless. (From para. 7 of Ch. 7 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry, OSB, 1997.)

As I sit this morning, with these word from Benedict, my mood shifts, from a defensive one, in which my own will is looking to assert itself, to the realization of a loving mutual gaze. God watches me, "the angels assigned to my care report on me", and I'm being taught how to seek God, so that my heart, my actions, may not be fragmented into blind self-satisfaction, but may be made whole.

Chapter 7: The value of humility (paragraph 5)

One who follows that way finds protection at all times from sin and vice of thought, of tongue, of hand, of foot, of self-will and of disordered sensual desire, so as to lead a life that is completely open before the scrutiny of God and of his angels who watch over us from hour to hour. (From para. 5 of Ch. 7 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry, OSB, 1997.)

Benedict links forgetfulness of the presence of God (from the previous reading) with disorder. Forgetfulness is a human frailty that can close me in on on my habits of mind and behavior and lead me to disorder, to an "unconscious" life, a less-than-fully-alive life. But remembering awe at the presence of God leads me to be fully open, fully aware, fully alive.

Chapter 7: The value of humility (paragraph 4)

The first step of humility is to cherish at all times the sense of awe with which we should turn to God. It should drive forgetfulness away... (From Ch. 4 of  St. Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry, OSB, 1997.)

Turning, awe-ing, cherishing -- this morning, these words strike me as energy-filled experiences, driving forgetfulness away. And, in driving forgetfulness away, driving self-will away. Fr John often speaks of the divine energy source, hidden in the silence, hidden in the heart, and always available, keeping me attuned to the present, and living daily life as a sacrament.

Chapter 7: The value of humility (paragraphs 1-3)

The word of God in scripture teaches us in clear and resounding terms that anyone who lays claim to a high position will be brought low and anyone who is modest in self-appraisal will be lifted up. (From Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry, OSB, 1997.)

I hear Benedict making a distinction between the floundering and noisy self-inflation of the ego, and the selflessness necessary to "be lifted up". I have experienced self-inflation as a weighty mixture of pride, anxiety and blindness. I don't think that silence or selflessness weighs anything, and, so, like a tiny bird, is free.

Chapter 6: Cherishing silence in the monastery

I am guarded about the way I speak and have accepted silence in humility refraining even from words that are good. (From para. 1 of Ch. 6 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry OSB, 1997.)

Benedict points out to me that a selfless silence is my teacher.

Chapter 5: Monastic obedience (paragraphs 4-5)

We should remember, however, that such obedience will be acceptable to God and rewarding to us, if we carry out the orders given us in a way that is not fearful, nor slow, nor half-hearted, nor marred by murmuring or the sort of compliance that betrays resentment. (From para. 4 of Ch. 5 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry OSB, 1997.)

In the translation of the Rule that I'm reading, Abbot Barry notes that murmuring is not a legitimate means for dealing with complaints that may arise in community, because it can destroy confidence in community life. He goes on to say that, for individuals who murmur, "[murmuring] becomes increasingly addictive and [murmurers] develop a corresponding blindness to the harm they are doing to themselves and to others." This sounds like a good description of passive aggression to me. Meditation makes me increasingly alert to habits of my mind that are even subtly aggressive, so that I may choose the direction of peace.