Chapter 25: Punishment for more serious faults
None of the community should associate with or talk to the guilty person, who is to persevere alone in sorrow and penance in whatever work has been allotted, remembering St Paul's fearful judgement when he wrote to the Corinthians that: such a one should be handed over for the destruction of the flesh so that the spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord. (From Ch. 25 of Saint Benedict's Rule, trans. by Patrick Barry, OSB, 1997.)
At first this passage sounds almost horrible to me, like shunning. But this is different; this is surrounding the suffering one with self-controlled love and respect and the means of redemption. Sorrow and penance -- silence and solitude -- these are requirements for self-knowledge, and for finding God within.
Raising two teen-agers taught me the real meaning of “tough love” and “excommunication”. About twenty years ago now, I saw no alternative but to kick one of our sons out of the house for his out-of-control behavior. Others in our Toughlove parents’ group, however, surprised me when they said they could not support that. “We do not believe in kicking our kids out: a healthy alternative is always found”, they said, citing one of their organizational principles. The healthy alternative here, for me, was to give up expecting that he would listen to reason, my reason and reasoning, my communication. I had to “ex-communicate”, stop trying to communicate with him and reach out for and learn how to utilize outside help. My ego did not like this, especially since I was a professional family therapist myself. I had to learn that tough love is called “tough” not because it means being tough on a loved one. It is tough because it means being tough on myself; it means confronting how much of my pride, my "grown-up" arrogance and my self-centered ego can be involved in my alleged efforts to "love" a “problem child”.
ReplyDeleteBenedict's urging needs to start with me,"who is to persevere alone in sorrow and penance in whatever work has been allotted." Do I know myself thoroughly enough to experience true sorrow and to do penance ? How can I expect the same of others if not myself first? Now that Lent is beginning can I make a connection between that "man of sorrows" who is paying with His life for my faults- a real you and me connection, that's personal? Here is someone who is truly suffering because of my lack of love and self-centeredness. What can I do? What can I say? How will His love make me different?
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